By Katie Arminie

Cassidy wanted to celebrate, even though, the news, received the night before, was the worst in her young life. Her baby sister had cancer. Throughout the busy day, it was an agonizing hum threatening a break down. Her heart broke like a part of her had been cleaved off.

Why celebrate then? The pandemic school year, which felt like a never ending nightmare, was over. There had been a lot of excruciating stress, but a lot of personal break throughs too. Plus, alcohol paired with being out would soften the blow of the diagnose. Craig, her husband, expected her to accompany him on Thursday evenings without fail. She was afraid of disappointing him when she felt so fragile.

While they sat and finished their after dinner drink, she felt bold from the alcohol, her recent school year successes, and the support she had received by her coworkers over her sister’s illness. It made her speak out of turn.

“Now that you have had your Covid shot, you need to make dentist and doctor appointments,” Her voice sounded confident and audacious to her own ears. Why not strike why the iron’s hot? “We should have sex more too,” she added for good measure.

As soon as it left her mouth, she regretted it. His jaw was set and his eyes glared at her. A spike of adrenaline jolted her. She knew she had overstepped her boundaries. Once again, the night would end in shambles if she did not act quick. They had gone to counseling, and there had been some break throughs. Maybe he would accept her apology.

“I’m sorry, Craig. I am not myself. Please give me some grace. I’m upset about my sister.”

He was silent for a while, seeming to simmer, and then said, “Let’s go get another drink somewhere.”

She felt confused and replied, “I thought you were mad at me. I’d rather not get another if we are going to fight.”

Although his voice was stern, he said that he just needed an apology. She felt relieved, but a little suspicious. Next to them an elderly woman dropped her keys. Cassidy was quick to compliment on how gallantly he dove to pick them up for her. As they walked to the next place, she reiterated how wonderful it was that he was such a gentleman.

At the next restaurant, Cassidy made sure to not talk about topics that irritated him. However, she was a light weight and alcohol could sneak up on her before her edit button. Before she knew it, they were talking about her sister.

“You cannot let this ruin your summer,” he said.

“Yes, but if I was in her situation, I would want her to be by my side,” Once again, she felt confident and bold as she spoke those words.

“Just listen! Just listen!” His voice was raised in anger with his hand making a chopping motion as he spoke.

Ironically, after he said those words, she could not focus on what he was saying. All she could think was how, once again, he was not being supportive and was scaring her a bit. Once again, she swallowed her pain to make peace. They left soon afterwards, and she went to bed alone per usual.

The next day, she woke up feeling angered and fed up. Once again, she had slept alone in her grief. Was it really their bed when it only occupied one? Before she ventured to get coffee, she was careful and ran the conservation through her head. She forced herself to put one step in front of the other and confront the situation. She owed him that… Didn’t she? Trying for no triggers, she began.

” Can we talk, Craig?”

“Yeah,” He said with a lack of expression while staring at his phone.

Cassidy waited, thinking he was going to put the phone down. She felt the precious fury build inside of her. In its presence was the rare moment when she stood up for herself.

“Can you put the phone down?” She watched as he kept playing his game, her rage building.

He sighed in frustration and said, “Are you being dramatic?”

How could he be mean spirited at a time like this? She could not believe her ears and demanded, “This is important! I’m serious!” She hated how her voice went up in desperation. A few moments passed when she was, finally, satisfied with his attention and began.

“I know you do not agree with how I am handling my sister emotionally, but we are two different people…”

He did not let her finish and denied ever saying it. Once again, he interrupted to shut her down.

“You tried to shame me! Yelling that I need to go to the doctor’s!” Sarcasm and agitation was dripping from his words.

“Craig, It was loud in the bar. No one was listening.” Once again, her voice sounded shrill. How many times in this relationship did she try to appeal to his sensibility? How many times had he shamed her in order to take the attention off himself?

“You know I have to work late these next two weeks…”

Now it was her time to interrupt.

“You always say that! You always have an excuse.” Once again, her voice was hysterical sounding.

There he was, once again, making a chopping motion with his hand. His voice was savage as he yelled, “Stop it! Just stop it!”

She could not look at his dismissive hand motions or listen to the condescending words. Cassidy got up and retreated to the back bedroom, but not with out saying in a loud, yet even tone, “This is why I can’t talk to you!”

Once again, his solution to their arguments was to pretend they never happened. This time she let it slide. Her friend was having a barbeque and had invited them over. Cassidy wanted to see her friend sans drama. Even in the mist of her fury, she understand, she must not build on her stress by fighting with him.

That night she watched as he argued with her friend’s husband under the guise of concern and then puked into their rose bushes. All the while, complaining about how he had to work late at his work. Cassidy felt numb at this point. She was powerless to change his behavior and went to bed, once again, hopeless and alone.

The next evening did not disappoint when he wanted her to cancel her plans. She was going out to dinner with a friend. The trouble was not that he cared about any attention she might garner. No, he was outraged that she did not seem to care. She would not see him before she left for her sister’s in the next state. His rage unfurled when Cassidy , confused, asked if he had told her about his late night schedule. Seconds after kissing him goodbye. His rage almost slipped into her, possession like, at the close proximity.

“You never listen to me! That’s what you do! You never listen!” His voice was incensed. The dark humor of his selfishness and his outrageous temper amongst her personal crisis while she was moments away from reprieve, felt surreal. She almost laughed as she ran out the door to freedom.